I am endless.

On another note, I have just returned from my first Charlotte interview. Hold your breath, it is not for anything particularly superb, but I will continue to believe that work is work, regardless of its caliber. I interviewed for a position with Jackson's Java coffee house here in Huntersville. I could actually be working at the location uptown in the Wachovia Corporate office building, which I think I would probably prefer. I think that tomorrow I would like to ride with my father to the city while he works, so I can hopefully execute some job-hunting in that part of town. I would definitely prefer to work uptown in Charlotte, as it would in some way provide comfort and possibly fill part of the void, the hole in my heart that exists since Manhattan was ripped away from me.

I am continuing to brainstorm and plan new film projects for the time being. I pass countless hours at the local Starbucks Coffee down the street in Birkdale Village, mostly developing a couple of the screenplays I've had in the works over the last year. Things are feeling much more settled now, as previously when I'd first arrived back in Charlotte, the tides were still high and the sandstorm still absolutely atrocious.

Now, a word on my most recently viewed picture: "The Fall," which was recommended to me by a friend. What I found most intriguing at first about this piece is that it is actually based off of the screenplay for a 1981 Bulgarian Film, entitled, "Yo Ho Ho." After conducting some research, I was then intrigued to view this piece, and will do so as soon as I can find access to it. My experience while viewing the aforementioned was an extraordinary and exquisite one. I fell in love with little Alexandria, and the darling and loving relationship she'd developed with Roy. Films like this are honestly far and few. I look forward to the next few pieces being developed and released in the next few years by the same director, Tarsem Singh.

The film has won various awards, including Best Film in the Sitges-Catalonian International Film Festival in the year 2007, Crystal-Bear Special Mention for Best Feature Film in the Berlin International Film Festival also in 2007, and the Austin Film award for Best Cinematography provided by the Austin Film Critics Association in 2008.

Needless to say, I was tremendously pleased with my experience and plan on sitting down to view it immediately once more.

Pause, look, grin, and say, "I'm busy, thank you much."

Tonight I find myself chilling out at Starbucks Coffee here in Huntersville, filling my mind and heart with Aesop Rock, drinking chai tea, and trying to organize all of my thoughts over the strange masterpiece of events that have unfolded in my life over the last month. I mean seriously, so many things have changed, but I fear nothing.

Lately, I’m aching. I need to have my mind in order, I haven’t been able to be that creative since I’ve returned home to Charlotte on this hiatus. All of my equipment, my hard drive which contains all of my previous film and video work, my camera… are sitting in a closet or the garage, lost somewhere in Orange County, New York…. I also left my heart in New York. I wonder if ever we'll ever be together. I miss him terribly, my dear friend......Until further notice.

Until further notice, I give up on absolutely none of my dreams. I am determined more than ever to make some shit seriously happen.

Suspence bewilders, the deeper the roots.

The Squid and The Whale, courtesy of the American Museum of Natural History, Manhattan, New York. Photographed by Me.

And thus, it begins…..

Lately, it seems I am passing this silent, arduous time by filling the new holes in my life with razorblade crayon drawings, and whimsical sharp edges that cut clean through the window of my silhouette in passing. Contrary to how I feel, I do not actually wish to cease to exist, rather, I wish to root myself deeply into the black, dirty soil of who I am and furiously grow, higher and higher, and then to reach– To live and to live, to live and to love. I’ve seen a little part of me in everyone. I am relatively animated and luminescent, a fusion of all things ridiculously beautiful and stellar and tattered and falling apart. I am not broken beyond repair, yet I am delicate and fragile. What I mean is that I need a little bit of solidarity and peace. I am the carp plucked from the pond, invasively inserted into a mobil swampland. It is not my choice, nor my preference, nor positive for my health, but it is what I presently have to work with.

What this entails, exactly, is a lot of mornings and afternoons spent sitting in solitude and observing, absorbing, planning, creating, conceiving of, and mentally executing. Imaginary painting of images and compositions on imaginary canvases, on imaginary screens. Until I am re-united with all of my belongings still left in New York amongst everything else I lost in the fire, this will seem to be the day-in and turn around of my life. Seemingly endless and perpetual sunrise/sunset opening and drifting of my mind until I can once again rest upon the shore.

And until that day.