My Secret.

I have a secret, and I'm sorry for it. It has been affecting my life and physical and mental health over the last two years. It comes and goes, and sometimes it lingers. Tonight it happened again. It has been happening more and more again lately, as these sorts of things tend to do. It hurts, physically and emotionally. This is the most public I've been about it ever, and that's not saying much as nobody I know actually reads this blog of mine. My secret consumes me and I cannot control myself when it happens. When it is coming on, I cannot shut it off. When it is over, somehow, I feel better than I did before it happened, but I still feel lousy. When it is over.... It is never over.

What is over, however, is my Biology summer course. I don't think I worked wonders on my final exam that I took at 6:30PM this evening. It sucks because I have been doing A-Grade work since the course started and I loved my class and I loved my professor, P.C. I hope it turns out better than I am thinking, and I'll find out soon enough once my grade is posted.

My head aches, and I think I should shut the lights and attempt to sleep. I am responsibly contemplating, because I want to approach my next relationship in the best way possible. The man that I am fascinated with and kindly interested in is involved in a whole whirl of his own issues that are in limbo and must be resolved before we are to engage in anything together. "Its almost like I don't even doubt anything at all," he'd once told me. "It's like I'm not even worried about anything with you," he'd said, cradled in my arms, upon me, soaked, loving. I can only hope, I can only pray, that this is real. That when the time is right, he'll be the one knocking on my door, asking me to come home.

"We're already there," I'll say.

"We're already home. We always have been." I'll tell him.
And then I will take his hand and kiss him forever.