I am endless.

On another note, I have just returned from my first Charlotte interview. Hold your breath, it is not for anything particularly superb, but I will continue to believe that work is work, regardless of its caliber. I interviewed for a position with Jackson's Java coffee house here in Huntersville. I could actually be working at the location uptown in the Wachovia Corporate office building, which I think I would probably prefer. I think that tomorrow I would like to ride with my father to the city while he works, so I can hopefully execute some job-hunting in that part of town. I would definitely prefer to work uptown in Charlotte, as it would in some way provide comfort and possibly fill part of the void, the hole in my heart that exists since Manhattan was ripped away from me.

I am continuing to brainstorm and plan new film projects for the time being. I pass countless hours at the local Starbucks Coffee down the street in Birkdale Village, mostly developing a couple of the screenplays I've had in the works over the last year. Things are feeling much more settled now, as previously when I'd first arrived back in Charlotte, the tides were still high and the sandstorm still absolutely atrocious.

Now, a word on my most recently viewed picture: "The Fall," which was recommended to me by a friend. What I found most intriguing at first about this piece is that it is actually based off of the screenplay for a 1981 Bulgarian Film, entitled, "Yo Ho Ho." After conducting some research, I was then intrigued to view this piece, and will do so as soon as I can find access to it. My experience while viewing the aforementioned was an extraordinary and exquisite one. I fell in love with little Alexandria, and the darling and loving relationship she'd developed with Roy. Films like this are honestly far and few. I look forward to the next few pieces being developed and released in the next few years by the same director, Tarsem Singh.

The film has won various awards, including Best Film in the Sitges-Catalonian International Film Festival in the year 2007, Crystal-Bear Special Mention for Best Feature Film in the Berlin International Film Festival also in 2007, and the Austin Film award for Best Cinematography provided by the Austin Film Critics Association in 2008.

Needless to say, I was tremendously pleased with my experience and plan on sitting down to view it immediately once more.

Pause, look, grin, and say, "I'm busy, thank you much."

Tonight I find myself chilling out at Starbucks Coffee here in Huntersville, filling my mind and heart with Aesop Rock, drinking chai tea, and trying to organize all of my thoughts over the strange masterpiece of events that have unfolded in my life over the last month. I mean seriously, so many things have changed, but I fear nothing.

Lately, I’m aching. I need to have my mind in order, I haven’t been able to be that creative since I’ve returned home to Charlotte on this hiatus. All of my equipment, my hard drive which contains all of my previous film and video work, my camera… are sitting in a closet or the garage, lost somewhere in Orange County, New York…. I also left my heart in New York. I wonder if ever we'll ever be together. I miss him terribly, my dear friend......Until further notice.

Until further notice, I give up on absolutely none of my dreams. I am determined more than ever to make some shit seriously happen.

Suspence bewilders, the deeper the roots.

The Squid and The Whale, courtesy of the American Museum of Natural History, Manhattan, New York. Photographed by Me.

And thus, it begins…..

Lately, it seems I am passing this silent, arduous time by filling the new holes in my life with razorblade crayon drawings, and whimsical sharp edges that cut clean through the window of my silhouette in passing. Contrary to how I feel, I do not actually wish to cease to exist, rather, I wish to root myself deeply into the black, dirty soil of who I am and furiously grow, higher and higher, and then to reach– To live and to live, to live and to love. I’ve seen a little part of me in everyone. I am relatively animated and luminescent, a fusion of all things ridiculously beautiful and stellar and tattered and falling apart. I am not broken beyond repair, yet I am delicate and fragile. What I mean is that I need a little bit of solidarity and peace. I am the carp plucked from the pond, invasively inserted into a mobil swampland. It is not my choice, nor my preference, nor positive for my health, but it is what I presently have to work with.

What this entails, exactly, is a lot of mornings and afternoons spent sitting in solitude and observing, absorbing, planning, creating, conceiving of, and mentally executing. Imaginary painting of images and compositions on imaginary canvases, on imaginary screens. Until I am re-united with all of my belongings still left in New York amongst everything else I lost in the fire, this will seem to be the day-in and turn around of my life. Seemingly endless and perpetual sunrise/sunset opening and drifting of my mind until I can once again rest upon the shore.

And until that day.

TEST

Testing out for the baker's sake


colors


colors






COLORS

What it is Like for a Wildflower to be Crushed.

Well, to start, it hurts. A lot. You once were a blossoming and flourishing, flowering beauty of a creation. Abruptly you are decapitated, picked violently from your stem, and smashed into the nearest ground, a mound of dirt, a dark hole somewhere. When detached so from where you heart once was, it is difficult and seemingly impossible to be able to feel anything. The days pass while you decay. The earth still survives if you die. The earth is not dependent on you alone; in it lies no affiliation with yourself and the rest of its inhabitants. Patience, persistence, and pain. Endure, Kristina. It is what I emphasize to those I care deeply for who are handed a pack of trick cards. I encourage them to have strength and persistence and to endure- To take whatever comes their way, ready to fight, to endure the painful journey, and to keep pushing forward. When it comes to my own self being able to adhere to my own advice, this seems to be where I am having most difficulty. What I feel right now is horrendous pain. It is horrendous, horrible, and I've not left a callous bone within me. I cannot longer be cynical, I've been down that road so many times before and have used up all of the detachment and cynicism concerning Love that I ever had inside of my body and inside of my soul. Right now, I am a woman on a mission. I am broken and breaking further. It is a pain that is so unbearable that I hardly feel anything at all. Perhaps that sounds a bit odd. To feel so much pain that you simply can no longer feel? It has been too long since I've felt this way. To put a visual to play, imagine at times when you've set the shower to such a high temperature, that it is so hot that it begins to feel cold. Has anybody ever experienced that before? Does anybody know what this is that I speak of? Unbearable, horrible, terrible pain. I am numb, but screaming inside. I am screaming inside but when I open my mouth no sound comes out. I am ....


The sun is shining down on me through the windows on my last night here as a resident of the towers at CCNY. I have just been touched by the most beautiful angel, my friend Jennifer DeBoer Who I met during the winter months and who I just spoke with and said goodbye to for our time here. She is the one person I have always wanted and felt so strongly to know more. She is an angel, and as she walked away a few tears fell from my eyes. I have always felt such a strong, cosmic connection, as though she were my family member, my cousin. What a strong, incredible feeling. I wish so much to know her more, and now I will not let this opportunity pass. I feel better, like perhaps I am revived, if even just only for a bit. She does feel so close to me like family and we hardly know each other, yet I feel as though we actually really do. A beautiful spirit, soul, deep to the core. She is iridescent glitter mixed into carbonated water, bubbling and wondrous. She is sunset in the Autumn, fields of cherries and pumpkins, too.

Don't Go. Don't leave.

Rhinebeck, New York. This is one of my favorite homes; it is where I used to babysit little Alexis and Matthew Barge every Monday and Wednesday night, while their mother, Roxanne, partook in kick-boxing classes in the evenings. This beautiful home is located right in the very heart cavity of the lovely village of Rhinebeck. It includes antique appeal with a modern flare, old-fashioned stand-alone tubs for bathing, and a wonderful kitchen. I remember it well. The exterior used to be at some point painted a nicer shade of cornflower blue, although this green does seem to compliment it in some sense. I loved that home, right on the corner of the street. I love Rhinebeck, and wish desperately to get back to visit soon, but this time I want to take a special friend of mine for whom I care deeply for, spiritually, and for whom I know needs a break away from the city. I'd like to go to Craig Farm, so that I may pick delicious large, plump, viciously sweet blueberries, which I can eat whole and also turn into the most succulent preserves to top home-made crepes with which I'll have to make (one of my winning recipes,)
and crisp, cinnamon carving apples, a true delight to munch into when the air is the crispy Autumn Chill I so crave every year of my life. Delicious. And Blackberries, thousands of them, thousands of them, in my little belly. Walking up and down the orchards and fields in this never-ending October paradise would be one of my biggest desires right now.

Oh, to simply escape Manhattan for a short while, and to top off my day with delicious steamed cider with mulling spices. I already know how I would fall in love with Rhinebeck all over again, and how very much at home I would feel. It's a town of gold.
And right now I am focusing on making my life wonderful so that I can be where I want to be, and then finish college, and move on in life, and hopefully start my career, and start eventually, a family. Oh how very important that is to me. I do have the power, I have the strength, I am Krissy. I am borne of Rhinebeck air and sweet wind and wild ways, a child of the woods, a pumpkin carver, a believer in faeries, a Taco Juan's devouring feline. Ah, Woodstock! Am I getting off track? I am overwhelmed, I dream every night lately, it seems... And Woodstock, how I love you! Woodstock, only twenty minutes from Rhinebeck over the Kingston-Rhinecliffe bridge! Oh, to be home again! Manhattan ages you, but living near enough to commute to work in Manhattan like my father did out of Rhinebeck for almost eight years... I can't possibly see how it might be impossible to pursue. To buy a small house in the village, to commute to work in the city and if given opportunities to work from home then taking full advantage of it with all of my might! Oh, that would be my dream! To live in and raise a family in Rhinebeck one day, my little children, my darling husband, my studio office space for creative work, I'm dreaming too much right now. Rhinebeck is only 1 hour and thirty minutes from Manhattan by commute via Metro North out of the Poughkeepsie train station. It is an easy commute, a comfortable one, and you land straight in Grand Central Station. Taco Juan's was always one of my favorite places to eat, in Woodstock. We used to go on the weekends and make fun of my Colombian dad, Juan. They had the most divine tasting Tofu Plate, with Mexican tomato rice and cumin.

I need to take a trip home to Dutchess County, and maybe in time for the fair this month! I promised myself I would go. The County Fair is this month from August 19 through the 24. I can't possibly miss it for a ninth year, can I? I must make damn sure I attend this year, even if I only go up for the day. Now, after having spilled my guts out emotionally, I am going to change into my gym attire, and head over to Bally's and kick some more ass. I'm already noticing a small difference and so I'm going to continue working really very hard, losing weight, growing my beautiful hair out again. It would have been so long, and over-flowing, and wavy and lovely now! I envision my physical transformation, and I envision my transformation as the pounds melt off, and the my hair grows out, and internally, at the same time, as my lungs continue to heal from the many years of damage that smoking has done them, and I continue this metamorphosis into the most powerful, driven, strong, determined, and committed woman alive. I am like my father, and I will fight for those I love deeply. I will never give up, I will never give up.

Thank you for Temporarily destroying my Confidence.

I seem to have found a loop hole in the messy cycle of unfortunate events that continuously wind about in my life, and in this loop hole I've scored:


- A new job working as a baker full-time at Magnolia Bakery

-The spontaneous ability and strength it took to quit smoking and stick with it

-The confidence to fight for the life I deserve- so I joined Bally's Total Fitness today.

-An A in Biology. :}


Things tend to happen in colonies, so here is my wretched little twist of fate-

I'm doing everything in my power to better myself as an individual on this planet. Now, I get to do that with Magnolia's delicious poppyseed muffin at my side. I figured that if I'm ever going to become the woman I am destined to be, and that I know in my heart- I have to start making some changes in my life. I've been thinking about all of the times that I feel angry, bitter, stressed. I realized quickly they all have to do with:

A) Money/Lack there of, and financial responsibility (or lack there of,);

B) Smoking and how in the last six months I've developed physical symptoms, and strong ones at that, which I am taking as my personal warning that I'd better stop now- before it is too late,

C) My weight, and being overweight, and how it directly affects my life on a day-to-day basis, including, but not limited to: confidence, self-esteem, being able to work without feeling uncomfortable, being able to network and not feeling like an angry woman, having confidence in myself and physical health most importantly.


So, I decided that the best form of tackling these issues so that I may swan-dive into the life I favor having would be to tackle them all, at once, and so far it's working out. Because I can keep myself occupied when I'm focusing on so many particular aspects of life. I just know these are all things I can fix, so in the last three days I have

a) Quit Smoking

b) Landed the job

c) Obtained a membership at a great gym two blocks away from where I hope to be living

d) Cried on the bus ride home.

Organize a Crime.

I have a list of things that I need to do, that I know once I've executed my life will have improved significantly.
These things must occur, they cannot be avoided, and I need to achieve each task successfully before I can, A) Become involved in a serious and beautiful relationship, and, B) attempt any new big goals, because I need to have a accomplished the small ones first, and they are as follows:

1. I need to Join a Gym. Soon. Very soon. Join Gym. Commit to working out no less than 1 hour thirty minutes, four to five days per week. Join Gym, Commit, Lose Weight, Feel incredible.
   
2. I need to obviously ascertain a position that pays, obviously it's not going to be much seeing how I seem to suck at life. Today, I had my interview with Magnolia Bakery. It went well. It went really well. It only pays 12 an hour but I don't suppose that is too horrible for the baking position.
   
3. I need to not live in Queens with my grandparents. I need to by the end of September have found a room to rent in Manhattan somewhere, wherever that will be, hopefully somewhere preferable like East Harlem, East Village, or Chelsea.
4. Okay, so let's re-cap: Join Gym. Lose Weight. Be better person. Work Full time. Never worry about money if you're working full-time. Great. Then, find a cheap room if even remotely possible, and yes- Move into it. Move into it, and live in it, and jump on your bed, and have pillow fights with yourself, and make cupcakes at home for your roommates.....
5. And Finally- BEGIN TO LIVE THE LIFE I WAS DESTINED TO LIVE!
   

My Secret.

I have a secret, and I'm sorry for it. It has been affecting my life and physical and mental health over the last two years. It comes and goes, and sometimes it lingers. Tonight it happened again. It has been happening more and more again lately, as these sorts of things tend to do. It hurts, physically and emotionally. This is the most public I've been about it ever, and that's not saying much as nobody I know actually reads this blog of mine. My secret consumes me and I cannot control myself when it happens. When it is coming on, I cannot shut it off. When it is over, somehow, I feel better than I did before it happened, but I still feel lousy. When it is over.... It is never over.

What is over, however, is my Biology summer course. I don't think I worked wonders on my final exam that I took at 6:30PM this evening. It sucks because I have been doing A-Grade work since the course started and I loved my class and I loved my professor, P.C. I hope it turns out better than I am thinking, and I'll find out soon enough once my grade is posted.

My head aches, and I think I should shut the lights and attempt to sleep. I am responsibly contemplating, because I want to approach my next relationship in the best way possible. The man that I am fascinated with and kindly interested in is involved in a whole whirl of his own issues that are in limbo and must be resolved before we are to engage in anything together. "Its almost like I don't even doubt anything at all," he'd once told me. "It's like I'm not even worried about anything with you," he'd said, cradled in my arms, upon me, soaked, loving. I can only hope, I can only pray, that this is real. That when the time is right, he'll be the one knocking on my door, asking me to come home.

"We're already there," I'll say.

"We're already home. We always have been." I'll tell him.
And then I will take his hand and kiss him forever.