What it is Like for a Wildflower to be Crushed.

Well, to start, it hurts. A lot. You once were a blossoming and flourishing, flowering beauty of a creation. Abruptly you are decapitated, picked violently from your stem, and smashed into the nearest ground, a mound of dirt, a dark hole somewhere. When detached so from where you heart once was, it is difficult and seemingly impossible to be able to feel anything. The days pass while you decay. The earth still survives if you die. The earth is not dependent on you alone; in it lies no affiliation with yourself and the rest of its inhabitants. Patience, persistence, and pain. Endure, Kristina. It is what I emphasize to those I care deeply for who are handed a pack of trick cards. I encourage them to have strength and persistence and to endure- To take whatever comes their way, ready to fight, to endure the painful journey, and to keep pushing forward. When it comes to my own self being able to adhere to my own advice, this seems to be where I am having most difficulty. What I feel right now is horrendous pain. It is horrendous, horrible, and I've not left a callous bone within me. I cannot longer be cynical, I've been down that road so many times before and have used up all of the detachment and cynicism concerning Love that I ever had inside of my body and inside of my soul. Right now, I am a woman on a mission. I am broken and breaking further. It is a pain that is so unbearable that I hardly feel anything at all. Perhaps that sounds a bit odd. To feel so much pain that you simply can no longer feel? It has been too long since I've felt this way. To put a visual to play, imagine at times when you've set the shower to such a high temperature, that it is so hot that it begins to feel cold. Has anybody ever experienced that before? Does anybody know what this is that I speak of? Unbearable, horrible, terrible pain. I am numb, but screaming inside. I am screaming inside but when I open my mouth no sound comes out. I am ....


The sun is shining down on me through the windows on my last night here as a resident of the towers at CCNY. I have just been touched by the most beautiful angel, my friend Jennifer DeBoer Who I met during the winter months and who I just spoke with and said goodbye to for our time here. She is the one person I have always wanted and felt so strongly to know more. She is an angel, and as she walked away a few tears fell from my eyes. I have always felt such a strong, cosmic connection, as though she were my family member, my cousin. What a strong, incredible feeling. I wish so much to know her more, and now I will not let this opportunity pass. I feel better, like perhaps I am revived, if even just only for a bit. She does feel so close to me like family and we hardly know each other, yet I feel as though we actually really do. A beautiful spirit, soul, deep to the core. She is iridescent glitter mixed into carbonated water, bubbling and wondrous. She is sunset in the Autumn, fields of cherries and pumpkins, too.